BADGERS TOOTING BOOTING HEARTACHE
Rough Girl Guides (0) 2 Blue Badgers (1) 1
[60, 85 Brocklehurst MJV 35]
It has previously been speculated that Badgers are carriers of TB, infecting and ultimately killing cattle. On a beautiful Saturday winter morning in Tooting Bec this theory was turned on its head. There was only one diseased species out on the park and the bug wasn't being spread to the mooing Rough Guide herd.
Would anyone complain if the government continued irrespective and culled this set of ghastly Badgers who bring nothing but misery and frustration to their adoring fans and shareholders?
Oh Badgers, will you never learn?
It started bright enough. Minute one: Rapson darts down the right onto a Davis ball hooks it over and Panther knocks it inches past. Minute two: Bourgeois has his hands round the neck of their striker � should we let the Vicar know what this Groom gets up to when he's not at church? The momentum continued. Davis skipping down the right, a mirror image of his normal position, looked so at home the Carlton Club were getting the application forms out. Kelly on the left was as elusive and skilful as ever, even though he had replaced his purple pantaloons with some strange Boy Scout type white shorts straight outta Compton (Street). Rayner and Newsome battled and created in midfield. Rapson held up and fed the ball well. The Blues defence had virtually nothing to do, as there was an avalanche, more piss-poor then off-piste, of attempts on the Girl Guides' goal.
It was final third Badger composure that was lacking . . . with one notable exception.
Panther had already showed some style storming forward when he flipped the ball over their right back, Gazza style, but attempted a wildly optimistic lob, ignoring the unmarked Kelly in the middle. Was he feeling the pressure of the Presidento Brocklehurst's piercing eyes and ruffled Badger beard? All doubts were soon cast asunder. Again down the right, that Davis~Rapson combo culminated in the ball being cut back to the Panther, Bergkamping just inside the area. The feline folk hero jinxed past the keeper (Pele style they whispered in the terraces) and coolly slotted the ball home, left foot, over the sliding in defender. Sexy football, Monsieur Panther.
The second half started where the first finished. In the first fifteen minutes it looked as if brought on Wilkie had glue on his boots; his control was masterful in midfield and the hurly burly of the box. In the next fifteen minutes it looked as if he had glue up his nose. But shots continued to pour in. Bourgeois did a razzling run, beating three men before finishing like a child of three. Rapson hit a simply magnificent Beckham lob from 60 yards. . . . In? Rapson raised his arms. In? Rapson began to cheer. In? No. Out. Their keeper made the best save of the season against the Badgers as he sprinted back 15 yards and dived to his left hand post and poked the ball out. B*****d. Quick, agile and f**kin' annoying, this baby faced B*****d played superbly both as keeper and as surrogate sweeper, he was off his line so speedily.
And then Rough Guides got a free kick on the edge of the area in a position hauntingly similar but closer to the one that punctured the Badger spirit two weeks ago.
With Hollywood inevitability the free kick, a rough guided missile, was hit. Over the wall, under the bar and in through the despairing arms of the previously faultless Alan. Who'd want to be a keeper? One mistake and the world's eyes are on you. He admitted that all he wanted to do was get in his BMW and drive away, even offered his resignation. But no � Alan stayed and fought on like a true Badger. The point is that goal should have made it 1-7, not 1-1.
Kelly, for much of this half crawling around the floor like a baby, made an instant attempt to restore the lead with a dribble inside two of their defenders that only he could do, finishing with a shot that just wouldn't creep in. Davis, Badger of the Match, again shone and shone with shots and swerve on left and right that was at times breathtaking. But things were getting desperate. Rough Guides were beginning to probe more and more. Badgers were showing signs of indigestion, heartburn after that goal.
Only one thing for it: bring on Rennie.
Rennie: towering black colossus signed that morning on a free transfer. Rennie: in his bright yellow boots looking like he should play for Brazil. Rennie: "I can play anywhere, I always get goals". Rennie: who ran like Ivor the Engine, had the first touch of a teenage boy on his first date and who missed a 10 yard sitter that Presidento reckoned he could've got. Rennie* did have an amazing throw though. You know, both feet on floor, ball going behind head and then propelled forwards. Really tricky.
The pressure continued, the Guides sensing their first win this season. The Blues defence stood solid with the mighty McDonald not missing a trick and his replacement Barny B. getting stuck in. Ashman and Brocklehurst BCF tackled and fought back tirelessly as they did all game. But no one could beat doomed destiny. It grimly happened, ball slipped out to their left and slotted into the corner with a perfect finish. 2-1.
Back the Badgers came and with virtually the last move of the game Wilkie towered through and hit a brilliant shot. Would've beaten most keepers.
But not this one.
No, not this one.
13.2.99 Team: Kings Head Alan, Ashman, Brocklehurst BLD, McDonald (Brocklehurst BCF 80), Bourgeois, Newsome S �, Kelly (Rennie Yellowboots 70), Rayner, Brocklehurst.MJV (Wilkie 45) Rapson.
* Let's pray he does not read this, as it could be Panther burgers being sold at Hackney.
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