PUNCHDRUNK PRIMADONNAS
WIN 3-1
(in the second half)
M I L K M O N I T O R (4) 5 Blue Badgers (0) 3
8,9,12,15,60 Baker 50, Kelly 65,70
7.00 am Sunday morning, new day dawning and the neatly folded purple flannelette pantaloons are removed from the top draw and placed into the leather briefcase with a care normally reserved for the handing over of the new-born. These pantaloons belong to Killer Kelly, top Badger notchman and this packing an essential part of the big match preparation. One final shadowbox in the mirror as �Eye of the Tiger� resonates in his focused mind, one final jab, jab, jab with those oh so puny arms before slamming the door shut. A tear trickles down the beautiful face of the girl in the bed. No one said life was going to be easy with the Purple Pouncer.
How do other Badgers prepare? Is the Stevie Newsome singing on a Farringdon stage to adoring �Punks on Vespas� fans the same Stevie Newsome who strikes a different chord in the heart of midfield? Can that be McDonald up to the early hours hosting a dinner party, drunk? And is that Panther at 7 in the morning, awake, sitting in a secret location in congress with brother, archconfidant Ben �Bonecrusher� Brocklehurst pissed out of their tiny little brains after watching the boxing fiasco all night and yet to hit the sack?
Surely this could not be the case? All would be revealed in the first 15 minutes of the most important game of the season. A six pointer with 3rd place the aim.
All was revealed. Revealed with as much suspense as a stroll though a nudist beach. After 15 minutes the mighty Blues were 0-4 down. Each goal surreal, to be completely honest I couldn�t really describe any of them as the view wasn�t that great from the halfway line. If its OK for Eugenia Williams on �5000 per game it�s OK for me, someone�s got to man that part of the engine room. Oh yeah, I did see one. It came from a corner: the guy I was marking jumped above me and headed it in at the far post unchallenged, thinking about it I probably had the best view on the pitch for that beauty. No Badger played well in that first 45. Bonecrusher was seeing double, Ashman�s distribution was diabolical, Rapson bleated like a lamb and I don�t think anyone else was actually there although Euromonitor did play some mesmerising first touch football � it was �As fair as a fight between an ice cube and the sun� according to bleater Rapson.
The second half saw Rapson off for Baker with Panther pushed up (the pundits and fans applauded in tune) and Wilkie on for top scorer Oliver down from Oxford. A strange decision as the dispensed with lad had had no service but changes had to be made. Panther could�ve jerked himself off but he�d been doing that all week. And so the new Badger army shaped up � and what a difference. Hangovers gone these Badgers showed who had the real class, the real passion, the real looks. If the Blue Badgers were at infant school they�d be the genius sent out the class after strolling in late after a rock�n�roll night out with the prettiest girl in the class. Euromonitor would be the milkmonitor.
Kingshead Alan refuse to be rattled after receiving no protection and again dominated his area and made one outstanding point-blank save form a fierce ten yard drive to keep the Badgers in the game. Ashman was storming forward, ferociously tackling; passing brilliantly and even had a shot. Bourgeois and McDonald confirmed their status as the best centre backs in the league � Lee solid, skilful, visionary Mark brave, battling and inspirational on a pitch his Doctors advised him not to go near. That�s Badger spunk. Talking of which, Dom Salmon never turned up. Newsome and Rayner dominated the middle and played some excellent stuff. The pressure piled on. A superb left footed 35 yard freekick from the revitalised Bonecrusher went narrowly over with the Schmichelly inspired Godfrey. Then the inevitable goal from find of the season Baker. On the turn, left footed from just inside the box this canny Scot managed to get the ball to dart straight then rise 90 degrees to loop over Godfrey. No such thing as an own goal in this league. The tide was high and turning for these Sunday Girls as Wilkie, Fatboy Fat, stormed through for a certain goal that was denied by a callous file from a destroyer of fine football. Did that dastardly defender know that Rayner was the penalty taker, proud owner of two fluffed penalties this year and eager for a hattrick? Up Rayner strolled and superbly managed to add the worst miss yet to his collection. Straight at the keeper with power of a dying ant�s final fart. What is wrong with the Badger�s best hitter of the ball? Was his eyes and mind on our first blonde supporter (who later compared the Badgers to the heartthrobs from Sunset Beach)? After the match he confided that he was quite happy because he thought that was his fourth miss. A player very much on top of his game.
The game was put beyond reach shortly afterwards when a poor throw from Alan saw a calm slotting of the ball into the back of the net for the fifth and final nail into the little Badger coffin. Or was it? The Purple Pouncer had other ideas. Goal number one: the ball looped in, the Panther saw it with his lovegod blue eyes turning yellow and flicked it on�. one bounce over Kelly�s shoulder and the Purple Pouncer buried it on the volley. The goal of the game. Goal number two: Kelly dribbles past one, two and surges forward at deadly speed, calmly slotting it past the ogre like keeper. Sublime.
A game of two halves leaving little doubt who the better team but the real fun began afterwards in a Sunday afternoon some Badgers will never forget.
Move over darling.
13.3.99 Team
1 Kings Head Alan Keeper
2 Glyn Ashman Right Back
5 Mark Bourgeois Centre Back
6 Lee McDonald Centre Back
3 Ben Brocklehurst Left Back
4 Steve Newsome Right Midfield (on 10 (late))
7 Tony Rayner Central Midfield
8 Jon Kelly Left/Right Midfield
10 Matt Brocklehurst Left/Right Midfield/Striker (2nd)
11 Sion Rapson Striker (subbed for Baker 45)
9 Tim Oliver Striker (subbed for Wilkie 45)
13 Steve Baker On for Rapson (45) � Centre midfield
12 Dunc Wilkie On for Oliver (45 plus played first 10) - Striker