Blue Badgers versus Energy F.C. [ Eltham, South South London ]

SCISSOR KICK APOCALYPSE

Energy FC 1          Blue Badgers 1
((No.7) 80)          (Brocklehurst.MJV 55)

Out bright and early from their burrows, the Badgers were on the pitch in this apocolyptical motorway hellhole a good hour before kick off. It epitomises a team now firmly established as the league�s most professional and good-looking outfit. They may make mistakes. They may be a mistake. But you can never mistake a Badger�s game for it will always be full of drama, dreams and delusion.

This was no exception.

The aim was to intimidate the Badgers. In scenes not seen since the van der Keirkoff bandage �78 fiasco, minutes before KO the poor Badgers scurried back, whiskers prickled but paws clenched, to the sinisterly unlocked changing rooms to save their designer clothes, more Byrite than Versace, from the local criminals. They needn�t have worried: the worst crooks were on the pitch and easily recognisable in white strips.

The first half was end to end fluff. The Badgers had skill, enthusiasm but lacked co-ordination and holding in midfield. Don�t worry young Badger followers, this will come. Energy FC were solid (one-dimensional), battling(desperate) with one hulking individual (who I won�t name because he is quite big but his shirt number ironically rhymes with heaven) moaning at ref. and all and sundry with as much charm as Janet Street Porter on steroids. Calling the referee a �fox hunt� to his face proved to be astute but he surely should have had an early shower. The Badgers responded as only they know how: with cowardice, no sorry, skill. Sion �Gobi� Rapson, still nursing a 12-year goal drought, was outstanding. OXFAM may not be required after all. Brushing the crossbar (not his hair for once) with a left footer on the turn, laying off pert passes to the foraging Oliver, this Gobi offered some mirages. None better than the shot on the turn from a beautifully weighted Panther pass. Razor-sharp and goal-bound, the shot from the area�s edge produced a startling save. Asked to comment, Gobi modestly replied 'I thought I was the best player on the pitch in the first half by far'. Strikers need arrogance, Gobi (Gobby?), but they also need goals. Yes, Goals Mr Rayner and Mr Kelly.

That means hitting the ball INTO the net. Talk to Mr �Hold the Back� Page, he�s an expert in keeping them out as he proved yet again with a collection of saves worthy of painting onto plates and selling in the Sunday supplements for �49.95 each. Man of the Match, Page made one particularly spectacular block, then up and parry but more of him later - back to Laurel and Hardy, sorry, Rayner and Kelly.

It all happened over a penalty. For the uninitiated that�s when a foul, in this case a vicious, sliding Ricochet Racer assault on the gazelle Oliver, is rewarded with a virtual goal. Just tap it in past the Mr Blobby keeper from 12 yards. Simple? You�d think so. Rayner, distracted by a Jumpin�Jack brat behind the goal, made a fair(y) attempt with a shot hit hard enough but too close to Mr Blobby�s left who stuck out the necessary sausage fingers. Kelly followed up on the rebound. Blobby still down on one knee, blubbering. Open goal. Five yards. One result possible? Oh no. The ball soared past the post. The Badgers stared at Kelly�s feet to check that some evil force hadn�t replaced them with two plates of shivering red jelly. No goals to date, no runs at cricket all last year: Kelly�s Zeroes.

The second half Badger�s were valiant in the face of many attacks. Ashman and Davis outstanding as usual - so quick on the turn is Davis that he finished the game with only three studs left. The Brocklehurst Brothers were strong, solid with Barny showing some true shirt tugging, wall jumping class. Germain really turned up the juice with darting runs and daring crosses. Rayner tackled, chased and fought well. Kelly played some inspired passes. Oliver glided through challenges.

And Panther?

You guessed it. Kelly swung over a corner in the 55th minute. Ball bounced into the �space hopper� stomach of their No 3 with such force that it came back up shoulder high. The height the Panther likes �em. Pouncing, this time upside down, he scissor kicked sweetly, succinctly the ball struck the net. Screaming, Panther hit the ground. it was only cramp terrorising the Panther�s superbly muscled calf, the nation�s pub industry breathed a collective sigh of relief that it wasn�t anything more serious.

Incident followed the Panther. This time in the other box. Shoulder to shoulder with their no 10, he was fighting to clear a ball The ref. blew his whistle. Confusion. There were no appeals and yet a handball penalty was spat into the game. The arm was not intentionally used, ergo, no penalty. But the decision stood. As the penalty was hit �Bullshit� was heard to echo either from God or Barny B., and rough justice was served as the ball went high and into the heavens.

The drama continued. Page made save after save. To his left, to his right, high, low, one-on-one, free kick scorchers - nothing could beat this Cat, no wonder he�s the target of the top South American clubs. One did go in, a tricky backheeler. But the fact that the Badgers clung on and still nearly nicked it with good chances being missed at the end by Panther(!), Gobi and Davis is evidence that this team will emerge as one of the all time greats of the Marginal Premiership.

And Sid saw T-Rex out of the window.

Team:Page, Ashman, Davis, Brocklehurst.BLD, Brocklehurst.BCF, Germain, Rayner, Brocklehurst.MJV, Kelly, Oliver, Rapson.

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