WONDER WILKIE GOAL BATTERS BATTERSEA CRY BABIES
Battersea Park Moaners 1 Blue Badgers 1 80 Wilkie 55
Des Lylam’s left eyebrow raised as only his does when the 0-1 score from
Battersea Park paraded into Grandstand after 55 minutes. And so it
might. Yes, it was an upset, albeit short-lived, in pure footballing
terms as the second placed team, fresh from a devastating 8-1 victory
over league champions Euromonitor, were clear favourites against the
league’s new boys. But more so, and who better then the recently press
mauled Des to appreciate this, due to the preceding 10 days of crisis,
controversy and scandal that had rocked Blue Badger House.
Where can you begin?
The previous week’s 0-4 cup drubbing had already caused a dip in the
Badger’s share price but this was mere teenage petting compared to the
gangbang aftermath of inbred insults and incident infecting the Badger’s
stars, management and families. Germain made a stinging attack in the
tabloids on manager/player Panther about his ability in training. And
this after he had actually put a blade to the bronzed throat of the
feline footballer within the hallowed walls of BB House. Had he
forgotten who had rescued him from the sewers of Rio to give him his
first taste of stardom, loose cars and fast women? The dropped Dom
Salmon back up to his old tricks: caught cottaging with the aid of
telescopic police trickery. And then there was ‘Fight Them on the
Marshes’: a poisonous rag from the pathetic evil little crippled scraggy
hands of Judas Leetham that led to Star Striker Rapson and his beautiful
sidekick, the Duchess, considering leaving their footballing house to
return to bleak Barnsley.
And that led to Rayner, already under immense
pressure from the ten pints of lager price tag on his head, threatening
physical assault. Panther ignored the jibes, he’d seen it all before
and had bigger fish to batter: Battersea Park Rangers.
Leetham: dropped. Germain: dropped. Salmon: dropped. The wondering
Wilkie: in as striker. Bargain of the season Bourgeois: in as
centreback, Beckenbauer stylee. Rayner: in the hole. This was the
formation and did it work? Ask the Blubbering Battersea Babies.
From KO the Badgers harried and hassled like a harrying, hassling
hurricane. Up-front Rapson and Wilkie slid in and rummaged. Both
played some superb stuff with good touch. One particularly great move
saw Asbury involved with this dazzling duo culminating in a tremendous
shot from outside the box dipping inches over. Asbury was tireless down
the right, as was the energetic nucleus Cap’n Newsome who was in the
centre and everywhere else again. Panther tried hard and got a couple
of cheeky crosses in but took himself off after 20 minutes to be
replaced by Silky ‘Zeroes’ Kelly who brought in some real man-beating
brilliance.
But the real stars were the defence and the cultured feet of Rayner.
Ben ‘Mr Bombtastic’ Brocklehurst and the Wildman ‘inch high header’
Ashman both tackled hard and sprayed out some pulsating passes.
McDonald and Bourgeois gobbled everything up and then spat it out with
class. Bourgeois in particular dribbled out and rode tackles like a
dolphin surfing waves.
The finesse that this defence played with led a
pitch side spectator to comment ‘The bravest and most talented defence
in this league alright.’ No one could argue, no one else was there.
It was a spirit that ran through the side. Rayner was beating men,
audaciously shooting and lobbing balls Brazilian style to the flanks.
The dividends from his spell in South America was obvious for all to see
– probably even to the spectating soiled scribe Leetham with his
twitching foul fingers.
But for all this it would have been 0-1 down at half time if on 43
minutes Al Page hadn’t made one of the saves of the season: touching
over a lob with his back bent back to such an extent that an entry into
the World Limbo championships wouldn’t be out of the question. The only
save he had to make and he made it. Brilliant.
Seconds out, Second Half. More! You want more! Yes, and we got it in
the form of a wonder-goal. A left flank throw-in from the frail,
undernourished arms of Kelly landed at the feet of the veteran Wilkie.
The thin man trying to get out the bulbous Wilkie frame put in a burst
of speed: beating one man, then two with strength and guile, minimal
rightfoot backlift and SCORCHIO. The goalie rooted to the spot, the
ball hit the right stanchion, the net rippled and the sound echoed round
the Battersea babies’ empty skulls like a Muslim mantra from a minorete.
The babies fought back.
Skilled passes and some bruising tackles form Battersea brought out the
best in the Badgers – don’t bait them , they bite back.
Kelly was
victim to a waist high challenge from their No 2 (very appropriately
numbered) that laid the gauntlet. Badger of the Match Ben got the turd
back with a (fair) tackle that sent the No 2 horizontal and mid-air in a
piece of levitation David Copperfield could only dream of. Panther,
back on and growling, got nasty with some late sliders. Kelly barked
back at yet another dirty baby tackle. Both Badgers earnt a ticking off
from the Ref. and the threat of early showers.
Brave but not enough. Pressure, pressure, pressure on the Badgers goal
culminated in a freak corner careering over Ashman on the near post,
deflecting off the exposed Page’s fist and into then net.
1-1 it was but the moral victory was with the now fifth Blue Badgers. A
team of grit. A team of class. A team of sexy superstars.
Team: Page, Ashman, Brocklehurst.BLD, Bourgeois, McDonald, Newsome,
Asbury, Rayner, Brocklehurst.MJV, Wilkie, Rapson. sub. Kelly